Last week Mom got a package delivered about which she was pretty excited. To be fair, we get a lot of packages delivered - that Amazon van knows right where to find us - but most are not for Mom. "Oh, Gus," she said, her voice full of anticipation, "just wait 'til you see what's in this box!" It wasn't a very big box, and it didn't say Chewy on the side, so I didn't see what all there was to be so jazzed about, but Mom knows me well, so if she thought the box's contents were something to get excited about, I was on board! I sat and waited while she cut it open and tore open the plastic bag inside, just grinning from ear to ear while she did so. Oh, man, I thought. This must be good! And then this happened:
That's right people - a Helloween costume was in that box. You read that right. Mom said, "You're gonna look so good on Halloween!" But I was pretty sure, if this Halloween thing involved me dressed like a nincompoop against my will, she must have said HELLoween, not Halloween.
Quite frankly, I don't see that anything good happens on Helloween or that anything good happens for me in any Helloween-related events. Let's start with pumpkin carving. Mom and Big Brother cut open two of those things, and I'm gonna tell you, they smelled pretty good! But guess what - not for dogs. You know what that means, and if not, check it out here. Once they started digging out the contents, there were pumpkin seeds and interior scrapings flying all over the kitchen. But when I moved in for a taste, it was same 'ol, same 'ol - "Gus, no!" Mom went to town carving some stuff on the front, and that's when real chunks of pumpkin went flying, but alas, none for me. I know Mom worked hard on them, but I couldn't even get minimally enthused about the final product, seeing as how there was nada in it for me. I wasn't even sure I wanted to pretend that Mom didn't run out of room for the word Treat on her creation (middle pic below) like Big Brother and Dad were doing. I'm a dog, and even I know Boo isn't right. I know, I know - you're thinking there's no need for me to be so bitter, but read on, and I think you'll understand.
After the pumpkins came the trick or treating (note I did not say "booing"). This is where kids also dressed up like nincompoops, only I'd have to say that they really seemed to enjoy it. Big Brother had on a fake muscle shirt and star spangled shorts, and Mom said he was supposed to be Rocky Balboa. We saw a dragon, a werewolf, a Transformer, a cheerleader, a fairy princess, and a baby dressed like a pineapple, just to name a few. After a few short minutes, though, I realized why they were all so happy to be in their get-ups - people were actually giving them treats (here again, not boos)! Candy! But supposedly chocolate is going to kill me, so guess what? I didn't get any of that either. Neither did the baby. I could tell when she looked at me that she was feeling me. Her eyes said, "You, too, huh? One day we'll get them back for this!" "Preach on, girl," my eyes said right back. I heard Mom say someone at her work told her their family has special dog treats for dogs who come along on this evening excursion. Too bad we don't live near her! Even if we did, this is probably what would happen to me on Helloween:
And finally, there's the costume contest at dog camp. My UPS outfit apparently had one purpose - to enable my participation in this rite of passage. Every pup gets a special, Helloween-themed photo, and all pics get posted on Facebook. The dog with the most votes wins some free daycare and "pupgrades." Of course, Mom and Dad were hoping I'd win - they're kind of cheap, if you don't remember. I can get behind them saving a buck, but if a bath and nail trim count as pupgrades, you can count me out! I was somewhat interested when I was in third place, but my buddy, Reese, dressed like a boxer, and Hamilton, nincompooped up like a cowboy, both of whom did look exceptionally good, blew most of the rest of us out of the water. Absolutely nothing in it for me.
"Now, Gus," Mom interjected at this point. "The Halloween party at camp included a pumpkin pie treat for you! That was something good!"
"You're right, Mom. That was pretty good, but I'm not sure it's enough for me to swap out the E in Helloween for the A just yet. Circle back to me next year. Maybe with a costume upgrade and a trip to Dog Treat Lady's neighborhood, I could be convinced to change my tune."
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